Around the world, there isn't room for every special thing

Ladies and gentlemen.
Boys and girls.
Good people of the world. But especially inventors and those who come up with cool shit for the betterment of society.
Put down your pens and your sketchpads and step away from you computers and contraptions and cease to imagine entirely. This weekend, I discovered something that says to me everything important has already been thunk up.

What you see here is a "Waddling Penguin Pooper." It's a penguin. It waddles. And then it shits small turds of chocolate for your enjoyment. Brilliant.

Only thing I ever could need only one good thing worth trying to be - and it's love. Love.

I find the pieces of you in my dreams
And in the evenings
Spill out the edge of my mind.
Memories of you feel like they're miles wide
It's all I can do to get to the other side
Of these evenings
(Sara Bareilles)

Sigh.
(And that's all I'm going to say about that.)


I think I have a new Sunday afternoon ritual.

I devoured the New York Times while sitting in the park and watching boys play football. Too bad it's getting too cold for so nice a ritual. Oh well. The New York Times part will stick. I hope. It might be nice to form coherent sentences, logical thought, and well-informed opinions.

I tried to take a picture of the pretty fall colors, but my camera phone ain't so good. But it's ok. I'm now going to tell you this is art and I meant for it to look like this...k?

Cool.

Will I discover a soul-saving love, or just the dirt above and below me?

Beware, the dreaded once a week updates. I fear that after this, I'll dwindle down to one per month, followed by the increasingly sporadic "I'm so sorry, I suck at blogging!" posts. Noooooo!!! I MUST MUST MUST find things to tell you about!

Yesterday was spent snoozing, wearing flannel, watching bad tv, and eating sushi.

This morning, I tried a different approach. I woke up at a perfectly respectable hour. I put on jeans and my most favorite snuggly sweater and grabbed Lori's latest, greatest idea.

Our shared journal. Don't be jealous. It's not our fault we're adorable.

I also grabbed my camera, for in front of my favorite bar stands my favorite tree, all blazing with violently orange leaves. I wanted to show you. But when I arrived, I found this.

Enter metaphor for life: don't ever, ever hesitate to capture intense moments of beauty. You never know when they're going to blow away. C'est la vie.

Onward I trekked, to Terrace Bagels. I was all set for turkey bacon and egg whites on a multigrain bagel, when I made my most favorite discovery. It's Autumn, which means it's time for apple cinnamon cream cheese. You have no idea how happy this makes me.

You have no idea how happy their coffee makes me.


And then I sat in the park and stared at blank pages for awhile before I finally summoned the desire to tell Lori some stories.

Oh, and I mourned the passing of flip flop season.

It's officially time for silly things like socks and boots, y'all.

And then I began to write and boy hidey, did it feel good.


When I finished writing, I stayed put on my bench and grinned at all the toddlers and nannies and dogs and daddies that crossed my path.

Good morning, I'd say.

I want to live where soul meets body.

Things I did today:

1) Woke up at 5 AM after staying up a liiiiiittle too late to drink beer and watch the debate. Good times.

2) Worked. I love my job. I do. I just don't love doing it all time. But today there were points I just smiled to myself (in an unpretentious way, of course) and said damn. I'm good at this because I LOVE this. And at the end of the day, I get to say I get paid to talk to people and make them happy. Dream job, what?

3) Listened to a bunch of Northerners (some of whom have never really even been down South) diss the greatest place on earth. Nuh-uh. Not on my watch. You don't like the South because you can't HANDLE the South. That is absolutely fine. More sweet tea for me.

4) Had a super-snobby Frenchman hate on my hair but then deliver an amazing cut and the greatest blow-out of my life. My hair has tons and lots and beaucoups of bounce and oompf. I mean, I could have done without the pre-cut bashing, but I guess all's well that ends well. (And shiny and healthy and generally quite lovely.)

5) Saw Katie Holmes. She looked so sad I kind of wanted go give her a hug. Poor Katie Homes. I hope she's ok.

6) Free dinner. Nomnomnomnomnomnomnom.

7) Got entirely too excited about America's Next Top Model. Seriously. Shrieking not necessary.

8) Girlishness. Real bad girlishness. Giggle giggle giggle squeal omgomg omg omgomg OMFG. Siiiiiiiigh. Squeal. Giggle giggle hehehe. Scheming, planning, hoping and wishing. Siiiigh. Hehehe.


K. That's all I got.

I see a red door and I want to paint it black.

If you're going to deface public property, might as well say something nice!
And for the record, I smile every morning as I walk past this. Well done, public nuisance! Way to start my day off right!

I'm dancing in a room as if I was in the woods with you.

The long and the short of it is, I freakin' love this window. This quote. This picture. Everything.

I'm a dreamer. A distant dreamer.

Some things.

1) I sure do love Barack Obama. I especially loved the debate. I really super loved watching John McCain act like a whiny little bitch. Maverick, my ass. And next time you talk about (not) being Miss Congeniality of the Senate, Imma sick Sandra Bullock on yo ass. (I'm so not gangster. I try. I do.)

2) I have no idea what got into me, but I went on a shopping binge from the comfort of my own couch this weekend. I basically bought out every store's remaining summer lines in the hopes I can learn how to layer and not look like a dumpy blueberry this fall.

3) Speaking of shopping, it's entirely possible I may have accidentally shoplifted this week. Needed a new suit for work, so to Macy's I went. Found something gorgeous, although entirely out of my price range. Bit the bullet and bought it anyhoo, noting that the price I paid was considerably lower than I had anticipated. Said a quiet little prayer for Macy's sales. Got home, checked my receipt and realized she only charged me for the jacket and not the pants, too. Whoops. Ok. So. I definitely accidentally shoplifted. But it's not as if I tried to pull a fast one! I handed her the pants and jacket and two separate hangers! Can my conscious be clean now? Please?

4) I decided to pull all my winter/fall stuff. Unfortunately, there is a large bug with about a bijillion legs chilling out in the first suitcase I pulled. So I screamed, shoved it back under the bed, and here I sit, shaking, blogging instead.

5) I'm going to Paris next year. True story. But first, I need to learn French. Bonjour! Je m'apelle Alison! Ca va! Bien sur! Look! I'm a natural!

6) Being a boss is hard and also awesome.

7) It's entirely possible that this week might suck.

8) I miss Charlotte so much I sometimes feel like I might spontaneously burst into tears.

9) I loved New York in the Fall so much I sometimes feel like I might spontaneously burst into squeals and cackles.

10) Roll Tide! Go Panthers! Way to show those silly Georgia teams how it is DONE this weekend!

That's all.

Here I am, I am. Movin' at fast speeds.

Happy Two Year Anniversary to Moi et New York!

That's right. At this time precisely two years ago, I was crammed in a van somewhere around Jersey, waiting to arrive in New York and start my new life! And now, here I am. A supervisor of a growing company. Full of life and friends. And fears. And questions. Not at all wanting the things I once did, but somehow replacing old dreams with shiny new hopes. Still learning to live by doing instead of dreaming. A veritable master of the subway and cheap eats inside an expensive city. Capable of functioning solo. Happier and more well-adjusted than I ought to be (or ever thought possible).

And still, not at all aware of or concerned with what tomorrow holds. Will I make it to three years? Only time will tell. I make no promises. Only wishes. And at this point, I don't even know what I'm wishing for anymore which only leads me to believe I must be doing something right. Life's a little more fun when you're living beyond your own imagination.

Happy two years, baby. Thanks for putting up with me. (That goes quadruple for those who join me inside this city's limitless boundaries.)

Everything is exactly what it seems.

This morning, I am awake and here to greet you with a radical new thought.

Nothing is quite the catastrophe I try to make it out to be. This world's going to keep turning, and the horseshit of yesterday will probably be forgotten by this time next week.

I need to find a good yoga and meditation class.

/drama.

Who am I to say this situation isn’t great when it’s my job to make the most of it?

I’ve been quiet because I really only like to use this here blog to weave a little silliness into all your lives. And I haven’t been feeling very silly lately. I’ve been feeling very lost. Very confused. Very abused. Very broken. Very pathetic. Very alone. And very VERY aware that this is a space into which I have carved myself so have nowhere to place the blame. Blast! That last part really does just ruin everything.

First off, I am FINE. Fine. I’m just completely off balance. And do you know what happens when people lose their balance? They spin and they sputter and they scramble and they eventually PANIC, lose control entirely, and fall down. It’s how you handle the next step that makes you who you are. Me? I crack a stupid joke (probably in a ridiculous accent) and realize the ground is actually kinds of comfortable. I sit for a bit. And then, I eventually get bored, pull the trigger, and fire away at the world again.

(Maybe it’s that final step that needs work?)

Earlier this week, while searching my bookshelf for some pre-bed reading material, my fingers found my journal from college. At first I was amused. Oh, 20 year old Alison, you really did know NOTHING. Somewhere in the middle of it all, a terrible thought attacked. 20 year old Alison actually doesn’t sound much different than 26 year old Alison. And here I thought I’d come leaps and bounds and grown and changed and matured. Nope. Apparently not.

I’m starting to connect the dots in my very own life. Forget rose-colored glasses – I’m taking off the blindfold. And truth be told, I’m not loving what I’m seeing. I’m a little horrified, actually. Somewhere along the way, I developed a me vs. the world mentality. Worse still, I had the audacity to blame the world. Where do you find that line between loving yourself and being completely ill-equipped for change?

Buildings and bridges were made the bend in the wind
To withstand the world, that’s what it takes
All that steel and stone are no match for the air, my friend
What doesn’t bend, breaks.
(Ani DiFranco)

A few months ago, I took an acting class. While working a monologue, my teacher (Jim) began to drill upon the point that I was trying to hard. Pushing. Begging. TELLING they audience how they should feel. Could I just relax? Not force the emotional responses? Could I be Alison the human instead of Alison the actor? I laughed and rolled my eyes, announcing to Jim and the class that this was all a big metaphor for my life. I’d heard it all before.

“Well no offense,” Jim said, “but have you ever thought about listening? Changing?”

What doesn’t bend, breaks. Is this the root of it all? Fluffy Alison, made of steel and stone all along?


There’s so much I want to go into here that I just plain shouldn’t. But suffice it to say, I’m doing a little spiritual research because I think once I get this little soul of mine under control, I have a strong chance of recovery and survival.

Don’t know if you’ve watched me as I simply undress
Half unbuttoned shirt hangs like a flag at half-mast
You see, sometimes I’m a woman
And sometimes, a mess.
(Lindsey Horne)



I think I've spent far too much time learning to love the wrong reflection.