Who am I to say this situation isn’t great when it’s my job to make the most of it?

I’ve been quiet because I really only like to use this here blog to weave a little silliness into all your lives. And I haven’t been feeling very silly lately. I’ve been feeling very lost. Very confused. Very abused. Very broken. Very pathetic. Very alone. And very VERY aware that this is a space into which I have carved myself so have nowhere to place the blame. Blast! That last part really does just ruin everything.

First off, I am FINE. Fine. I’m just completely off balance. And do you know what happens when people lose their balance? They spin and they sputter and they scramble and they eventually PANIC, lose control entirely, and fall down. It’s how you handle the next step that makes you who you are. Me? I crack a stupid joke (probably in a ridiculous accent) and realize the ground is actually kinds of comfortable. I sit for a bit. And then, I eventually get bored, pull the trigger, and fire away at the world again.

(Maybe it’s that final step that needs work?)

Earlier this week, while searching my bookshelf for some pre-bed reading material, my fingers found my journal from college. At first I was amused. Oh, 20 year old Alison, you really did know NOTHING. Somewhere in the middle of it all, a terrible thought attacked. 20 year old Alison actually doesn’t sound much different than 26 year old Alison. And here I thought I’d come leaps and bounds and grown and changed and matured. Nope. Apparently not.

I’m starting to connect the dots in my very own life. Forget rose-colored glasses – I’m taking off the blindfold. And truth be told, I’m not loving what I’m seeing. I’m a little horrified, actually. Somewhere along the way, I developed a me vs. the world mentality. Worse still, I had the audacity to blame the world. Where do you find that line between loving yourself and being completely ill-equipped for change?

Buildings and bridges were made the bend in the wind
To withstand the world, that’s what it takes
All that steel and stone are no match for the air, my friend
What doesn’t bend, breaks.
(Ani DiFranco)

A few months ago, I took an acting class. While working a monologue, my teacher (Jim) began to drill upon the point that I was trying to hard. Pushing. Begging. TELLING they audience how they should feel. Could I just relax? Not force the emotional responses? Could I be Alison the human instead of Alison the actor? I laughed and rolled my eyes, announcing to Jim and the class that this was all a big metaphor for my life. I’d heard it all before.

“Well no offense,” Jim said, “but have you ever thought about listening? Changing?”

What doesn’t bend, breaks. Is this the root of it all? Fluffy Alison, made of steel and stone all along?


There’s so much I want to go into here that I just plain shouldn’t. But suffice it to say, I’m doing a little spiritual research because I think once I get this little soul of mine under control, I have a strong chance of recovery and survival.

Don’t know if you’ve watched me as I simply undress
Half unbuttoned shirt hangs like a flag at half-mast
You see, sometimes I’m a woman
And sometimes, a mess.
(Lindsey Horne)



I think I've spent far too much time learning to love the wrong reflection.