It was the waking of wild winds, blew down the doors to let me in.

There are roughly three New Yorks. There is, first, the New York of the man or woman who was born here, who takes the city for granted and accepts its size and its turbulence as natural and inevitable. Second, there is the New York of the commuter — the city that is devoured by locusts each day and spat out each night. Third, there is the New York of the person who was born somewhere else and came to New York in quest of something...commuters give the city its tidal restlessness; natives give it solidity and continuity; but the settlers give it passion.
(E.B. White)


This morning, I decided that I simply could not get on board my subway without a large cup of my favorite coffee in hand. So, I made the detour. Upon entering my station, I heard the familiar roar of a Manhattan-bound train, so I sprinted through the turnstile, down the stairs, and into the last doors of the final car as the "BING-BONG!" sounded. There, I proceeded to fall directly into the lap of a fellow commuter. Happy Monday, sir! As a reward for you making your way out of bed and into the wild concrete jungle, you were given the chance to grope me! All before 9 AM!

Embarrassed that I must have appeared a novice on the subway, I took my seat, sipped my coffee, and looked up to see White's words, posted above. I couldn't help but immediately start to giggle. We settlers do bring passion, and very little shame to boot.

Yes, I know you drive real fast. But your head is made of steel. Lucky for you.

When you try your best but you don't succeed.
When you get what you want, but not what you need.
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.
When the tears come streaming down your face.
When you lose something you can't replace.
When you love someone, but it goes to waste.
Could it be worse?
And high up above, or down below.
When you're too in love to let it go.
But if you never try, then you'll never know
Just what you're worth.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try, to fix you.
(Coldplay)


A common question out of my friend Elizabeth's mouth is "How's your heart?" During recent months, I've made it a point to ask myself this most important question daily. My brain sometimes tries to fool me into making me believe it is supreme. My words fool a lot of others, too. Especially when they come flying out without consulting my brain OR heart, as they are prone to do.

If you think about it, mutes have a high survival rate and people have been known to sit braindead for years. (Crass, but true.) But when the heart stops? You're a goner. Maybe it's time I started paying more attention to mine, then. Today was a terrible horrible no good very bad day. Thankfully, I could still see high above the mucky-muck and realize life in general is still happening and healthy. Just some hiccups.

But my heart isn't so good right now so I'm treading with caution for awhile. And I'm kind of at a loss for my next step. Perhaps this sense of floundering is merely my brain's attempt to regain and maintain control and my vocabulary's go at putting a label on it all. Worse still, maybe it's my ego's slow recovery process from all the things that HAVEN'T been going well. Maybe I should just quiet the voices inside, silence what manages to escape my lips, and tell ole Ego to take a hike. Maybe then, when my heart can get a word in edgewise, something more like what I actually deserve will happen.

Is this making any sense or just coming across as pointless dribble?
How about I put this all much more simply?

Dear World,
Here's my heart. Someone worthy, take it. (Soonish, please?) I know you're out there.
Kisses,
Alison

Words to live by.

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is to find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think that the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.
(Juno)




True dat.

When the melody seems tainted...

...it's the words that carry the hope.




Life Lesson #42: Talking is not the same as communicating.


I've been really selfish lately. On purpose, too. For awhile there, it just felt like no one else was living for me, so I might as well live for myself. But now my tired old logic appears to be playing cruel tricks. Hey, guess what? Nobody's ever going to care if you won't let them.


and I guess I might have made a few mistakes
but maybe that's exactly what it takes
to get a little happy in this big sad world
how many have you made?
and which of those have you laid on down to die?
(The Avett Brothers)

Apparently, all I'm gonna do are post self-portraits and sappy lyrics.

I Stand

When you ask me, who I am:
What is my vision? And do I have a plan?
Where is my strength? Have I nothing to say?
I hear the words in my head, but I push them away.

'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there's a better place.
I don't know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.

And I don't know
What tomorrow brings
The road less traveled
Will it set us free?
Cause we are taking it slow,
These tiny legacies.
I don't try and change the world;
But what will you make of me?

'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there's a better place.
I don't know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.

With the slightest of breezes
We fall just like leaves
As the rain washes us from the ground
We forget who we are
We can't see in the dark
And we quickly get lost in the crowd

'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there's a better place.
I don't know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.

(Idina Menzel)

Look through my window. To the streets below.

And sitting on my window ledge, I watch the Wednesday winding its way down in shades of chalk.

Inside blocks and corners, so these lives are kept. While up above, skyscrapers give the sky such depth.

Somehow, in all of this. Even when it's hard to be alone.

Somewhere, in all of this, I have found a home.

Oh you weak, beautiful people...

...who give up with such grace. What you need is someone to take hold of you - gently, with love, and hand your life back to you, like something gold you let go of - and I can! I'm determined to do it - and nothing's more determined than a cat on a tin roof - is there? Is there, baby?

(Tennessee Williams)

Besides feeling all the time like a cat on a hot tin roof, currently I feel like I deserve a little fairy or elf or robot or something who will shake me and say "Alison, this is what you need to do." Because right now I'm lost and unsure. Should I stay put? Keep moving? What am I doing? Where am I going? What do I want?

I wish I knew.

Sing it, girl!

i picked up the pieces of my broken ego
i have finally made my peace as far as you and me go
but i'd love to have you up to see the place
i'd like to do more than survive i'd like to rub it in your face...

(Amanda Palmer/Dresden Dolls)

(I'm not bitter, swear. I just really freakin' love that line. Amanda Palmer really is brilliant with her eat-shit-and-die kiss offs.)