Look through my window. To the streets below.

And sitting on my window ledge, I watch the Wednesday winding its way down in shades of chalk.

Inside blocks and corners, so these lives are kept. While up above, skyscrapers give the sky such depth.

Somehow, in all of this. Even when it's hard to be alone.

Somewhere, in all of this, I have found a home.

Oh you weak, beautiful people...

...who give up with such grace. What you need is someone to take hold of you - gently, with love, and hand your life back to you, like something gold you let go of - and I can! I'm determined to do it - and nothing's more determined than a cat on a tin roof - is there? Is there, baby?

(Tennessee Williams)

Besides feeling all the time like a cat on a hot tin roof, currently I feel like I deserve a little fairy or elf or robot or something who will shake me and say "Alison, this is what you need to do." Because right now I'm lost and unsure. Should I stay put? Keep moving? What am I doing? Where am I going? What do I want?

I wish I knew.

Sing it, girl!

i picked up the pieces of my broken ego
i have finally made my peace as far as you and me go
but i'd love to have you up to see the place
i'd like to do more than survive i'd like to rub it in your face...

(Amanda Palmer/Dresden Dolls)

(I'm not bitter, swear. I just really freakin' love that line. Amanda Palmer really is brilliant with her eat-shit-and-die kiss offs.)

Yech

Three years ago, I looked like that.

Never again, friends. And even though I've come far, (and haven't stepped backwards, thank GOD) today I re-make a vow to move FORWARD. Here I go. Again.

Making the most of a lie called a daydream.

This pretty much sums up my feeling on life as of late.

Beauty. Where are you hiding? Tell me, I'll go where you are.

Crappy camera phone picture. Until I feel like digging out my camera and cord. At any rate, I love that it only took me 20 minutes to do my hair, as opposed to the usual 45.

All at once you look across a crowded room to see the way that light attaches to a girl.

Today, I chopped 4 inches off my hair, made smart food decisions, and submitted my headshot and resume for acting classes.

So very obviously, it was a good day. I would talk more about it, but I'm working on that whole talking less, acting more thing. In fact, I think I'm just going to strive to be as impulsive as possible everyday. I'm sure planning to be impulsive kind of negates the act itself. But I don't really care. I feel like I've been conditioned to think immediate gratification is a bad thing.

It's not. (Entirely.) In fact, it really only is when we talk about things like eating an entire pizza or engaging in drunken unprotected sex or spending a paycheck on hot shoes. And even those things haven't killed me.

Maybe it's not impulsiveness I need more of. Maybe it's just that trusting my gut thing. I wanted to get my hair cut, so I did, and it looks amazing. I want to lose 17 pounds by April 1, so I think I will. Primary Stages felt right when I entered the website, so I think they're getting my money. Perhaps I've just been doing things wrong because I've never really stopped and listened to myself before. I just over-analyzed and accepted my irrational ways as truth.

I feel very wacky and eccentric tonight. (I kind of like it.)

There's a kind of a sort of...cost.

There's always got to be a but in my life.

I'm done with buts. And ifs. I'm ready for ands. And going to-s.

That's all.

You're all I need to get by.

(Brace yourself. I'm about to compare my life to a bagel. You were warned.)

Last night was an emotional one. I woke up today not entirely sad, just mostly a little hhhhhmph. I decided a Power Breakfast was in order, so I brewed a pot of coffee and popped a bagel in the oven. I guess I lost track of the time, for when I returned to the kitchen, my bagel looked like this:

No bother. Knife in hand, I began to scrape scrape scrape. And as I stood huddled over my trash can, I realized my life is not entirely unlike this bagel. Blemished, far from perfect, but worth saving. Soon enough, my bagel looked like this:

No longer quite the disaster it once was. (Although, still bearing the tell-tale markings that it had indeed been burned.)

And now, everything is fine. And my Power Breakfast was still lovely, despite my minor setback. See?

I'm learning that just because someone was a Major Player in my past, it doesn't mean they have to be (or will) in my future. And it's ok to just let some things go. And if you're not sad or second guessing yourself, then it might be the right decision. At least for now. I'm a burnt bagel. But slap on some cream cheese and pair me with coffee and I'll be just fine.

I find a fatal flaw in the logic of love. (And go out of my head.)

Hokay. So.

It's 2008 and I'm ever so much more than optimistic that I've finally positioned myself for the Truly Amazing to happen. I spent 25 years apologizing for and being ashamed of who I am. I'm done. It's not the hand I would have picked if I'd had a say-so from the beginning. But what a stupid game that would turn out to be anyhow!

So why this new site? I don't know. I needed a fresh beginning, a source which leads to all kinds of accountability. I've been talking and thinking and processing for too long. Let 2008 be the year I stop talking. Action, baby!

As the ball dropped on the new year, I wasn't in a clear state to make resolutions. But in the past week, I've been able to think long and hard about what I'm going to do to make sure I don't just float along and miss the important things. 2007 was a transitory state. I didn't sit still, but I didn't really get anywhere, either. I don't want to be a buoy this year. So. I made a Plan. A List. (Not just resolutions, you see.)

Alison's Plan to Make 2008 a Brilliant Year:

1) Audition.

2) Take classes.

3) Love and be lovable.

4) Cut out the toxic, whiney, woe is me crap. (And cut out the toxic, whiney, woe is me people.)

5) Escape my Financial Black Hole.

6) Write real letters.

7) Find some kind of exercise I just love love love to do. Even if it means dancing like an idiot around the living room for 27 minutes a day.

8) Read. Lots.

9) Play more guitar.

10) Learn French. (Again.)

We'll see what happens. Ready? Set?

Go.